


Can You Bear It?

by NobleGas



Series: Tragedies are created by men. [5]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alfred is the Best Grandpa, Family, Gen, Jason Did His Best, Language Cause of Tim and Jason Cussing Their Hearts Out, Reconciliation, Recovery, Suicide Attempt, Tim Can't Handle Emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:47:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21733999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NobleGas/pseuds/NobleGas
Summary: The thought of disappointing, and being a shame to his family.Tim can't.... he can't.... he couldn't.
Relationships: Tim Drake & Alfred Pennyworth, Tim Drake & Jason Todd
Series: Tragedies are created by men. [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1290998
Comments: 13
Kudos: 81





	Can You Bear It?

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read if you know/think this will trigger you.

Tim, knows that time would make everything better, he has hope that as he matures into adulthood, he could accept his condition and work with it, even though it seems hopeless most of the time.  
Hopeless, like now, him lying in a hospital bed for trying to end it all, because he's so tired of his emotions.  
After 24 hours of coma Tim woke up, and promptly wished he didn't. He opened his eyes, looked at the hospital room he was in, eyes blurry, closed them, felt his dessert of a mouth, and regrets everything. Regrets what he has done, regrets how shameful it was, regrets waking up, and not being dead. Feeling guilty, because he did it, he committed suicide... well, attempted it, anyway. He was so sure that it would be successful, he should be dead, but nooooo, he's alive and had just woken up from a coma.  
[Fuck....]  
He can't even do this one thing he felt he has to do his whole life. Gods!  
Tim sighed, opening his sealed lips. They cracked, blood spilling in each line, the pain emphasizing every millimetre of opening.  
Tim can't complain though, he brought this to himself. He just wished he had died, because if he had he would have to think about the Whats and Hows. For example: What would his family be thinking right now?; What would they say when they come?; How would Tim face them?; How could he FACE them. Tim wouldn't be able bear it. He loves his family, but if he hear any confirmation of his fears, of being not good enough, of not being loved, of being a disappointment. He would rather die, he might even attempt suicide again (deep down he knows he wouldn't do it, he can't act selfish again, this is supposed to be a onetime thing, Tim should suffer the rest. It's only appropriate). He's already useless in the past, even more useless and worthless now. He is a shame to his family, to both the Drake's and the Wayne's, his mother would be rolling in her grave and his father wouldn’t care. He wouldn't be able to bear it. He wouldn't. He wouldn't.... he wouldn't bear it... He-  
With circling thoughts of regrets and fear, Tim lulled himself back to sleep.  
____________________________________________  
Five hours passed before Tim woke up again. It was a slow gradual awakening, the kind that makes you feel refreshed and really 'awake' with a sense of peace. It made him feel hopeful for what the day was going to offer. He breathed a few times taking in that sterile hospital scent. Not opening his eyes, fearing it might ruin the moment. A few second later and he'll realize his eyes doesn’t have anything to do with ruining his day.  
His door opens, followed by two sets of feet approaching his bed. Hospital staff, with their rubber shoes squeaking on the tiled floor. Tim kept his eyes closed, pretending to be asleep, he doesn’t want to deal with anyone right now.  
"Ugh, I really hate working with suicide victims." Person-One, mutters approaching his right side, a scrawling sound follows. Writing on an information sheet, maybe?  
"Yeah. Why would they even commit suicide?" Person-Two replies just beyond Tim's left.  
[I don’t want to hear this conversation.] Tim thought realizing where this chit-chat is about to lead.  
"I mean, if you want to take your life and you really mean it you should have made sure you wouldn't survive it, right? It's just seeking attention otherwise." Person-One continues, and Tim's stomach turned, his heart turned cold all of a sudden, his body shivered.  
They stopped talking for a bit. Tim could hear a flip of paper, another scrawling sound, and a rusting of uniform.  
"What?" Person-One asked his tone incredulous. "You can't say, I'm wrong." A huff and sound of receding foot-steps followed. He was moving away from Tim, he was sure since the door cricked open and slammed shut. Person two sighed, and followed. The door opened and shut again.  
Tim stayed immobile for a while, thinking about what he had just heard. Did Tim just really want attention? Of course not, that’s the least that Tim had wanted. But it felt true though, why would he be affected if it wasn’t? … Yeah, Maybe Tim only did do it for the attention….. but that doesn’t seem right? His brain is shouting in agreement though.  
You know that feeling when nothing makes sense anymore and you just want to laugh it off? Cause Tim feels that at the moment. He snorts and giggles, cause that person was so right, even though he isn’t and Tim is confused.  
[I guess I kinda know what Joker feels at the moment.]  
The refreshed feeling had vanished replaced by prickles. He opened his eyes and took a shaky, deep breath. He noted his room, standard having a window, a small table, and a chair on the left, there’s a bathroom at a corner, machines and monitors beside him, and the door on the far right. He took another deep breath.  
[Time to move on. I can't dwell on what that dude has to say, seriously can't. Nope. Nadda. I still gotta figure out how I should face Bruce and the others. How to explain this, how to explain this..]  
He swallows, Adam's apple bobbing, his throat is super dry at the moment, and his lips feels like their stuck together and opening them is like ripping a scabbed over wound.  
[Maybe I should tell them, it was an experiment?]  
He sits up slowly, his hands bandage covered and an IV stuck on his right arm, has no strength on them and shakes with the effort of supporting his upper body. It was a slap to the face of how weak he was, but he ignored it and sat up.  
[People do a lot of weird things for the sake of science.]  
Of course Tim knows this was a weak reasoning, he won't actually say this, he just wants to think, fill his head with anything else other than overthink everything else. He knows his EQ is weak, and he won't be able to bear the thought of rejection. So he continued day dreaming his way out of the situation. All his arguments are very reasonable in his head, and he liked to think he has his life under control.  
[Yeah, like those German dudes that first discovered the numbing effects of morphine. That was awe-]  
His door opened again (Tim must be in some really good stuff if he haven't been aware of approaching footsteps, since you know ...Robin....... or he's just proving his uselessness, again) giving way to Jason. Tim's breathe stuttered. He is not ready. So, so not ready for an encounter right now.  
[Oh, Ghods, oh Gods..... I'm fucked I am so fucked.]  
He fought to steady his breathing and continue its even pace. He shudders, staring at Jason who’s just standing there! Looking at him like a startled cat! Tim should be the one who looks like that!  
Tim isn't ready; he can't face any of them right now. He feels his ears ring and heat up. Jason walks over and sat down on the chair besides Tim's bed, blocking half the window with his broad shoulders, silent. Tim stayed quiet too, cause what would you say to one of the person who witness you committing and failing at suicide? The atmosphere became heavy and awkward, Tim wants to swallow his saliva but is scared it'll be too loud, or fiddle with the sheets, or his hair, or his nails. The constant beeping of the heart monitor is starting to get annoy him.  
Tim knows he should apologize, say how sorry he was about the mishap he had caused, how he troubled them, it will not happened again, or something. Glue must be lodged in his throat though, cause he can't make a sound, it's shameful how he can't. His anxiety is building, his breath is gradually getting longer and longer, his head starting to swim, his entering an anxiety attack. [Not now, please. Oh Gods, please! I’ve already caused enough trouble, don’t make a scene now! Don’t attract any more attention, your proving that nurse he was right!]  
"Tim."  
Tim’s hair stood and his pores opened, goosebumps appearing everywhere in his body. The call startled him out of his spiral, attention zeroing on Jason, there not looking at him, his face full of shame, guilt, and regret. Tim can't help but think 'I should be the one feeling that!' again.  
"I'm glad you woke up."  
There was a beat of silence, the words circling on Tim’s head over and over and over, before Tim started cackling, full on, with balloon like wheezes, clutching his stomach with bandaged hands. Honestly he looks like he's lost it. But it was just so funny! Jason! Saying he's glad that TIM! HIM! is alive! Gods, what a joke. Maybe Tim did die and got transported to a dream world (cause surely Tim wouldn’t go to Heaven, he would be stuck at Limbo with how useless he was) or an alternate universe (this will be investigated later, when Tim is well enough). He looked at Jason and his laugh died.  
"Ohmygods, you're serious...."  
Jason meets his eyes, to prove a point, despite his cheeks reddening. The older man took a deep breath.  
[We are having lots of deep breathing here, ……..maybe this room was smoked? Would explain what I’m seeing.]  
"Yes, Tim, I am very serious."  
“I’m very serious with what I’m about to say, so listen up closely, ‘aight?”  
Jason took his hand, squeezing gently but firmly. Tim expects the worst and braced himself. He will not be affected, he is steel, he is not Tim right now, and he is just someone residing in Tim’s body that will listen to what Jason will say, but will not be affected.  
[Yeah, don’t kid yourself Me.]  
[Here it goes. Please let this be over with.]  
"I'm glad you're alive, I'm glad that you failed. I feel like shit that you felt the need to do it. I don't want you to do it ever again, and I will do my best to prevent you from committing suicide again. I'll do my best and damnest from now on to give you something to live for or make life bearable for you and prove to you that I and your family LOVES you. I'll make sure I drill it into your head, and fucking shove it in your families pea brains too, and that our past actions has caused this, and will make up for it, we'll show how much we appreciate you, Tim."  
Jason didn’t falter in his speech, he didn't avert his eyes, his whole being radiates sincerity and determination. Tim's chest, once hollow and empty, feels like it's about to explode. The things that he had wanted to hear, in all of his life, was just spoken to him, by Jason of all people. Jason, who had tried to kill him in multiple occasions, and has been bullying him up until recently, whom the farthest to consider himself Family, is here, sitting beside him, telling him these words he so craves. A tear fell from Tim's eyes, a sob rushed to follow, a few second later Tim was crying his heart out.  
"Baby bird."  
Tim turned away, because WOW, what a mood swing there Tim, laughing then crying, totally showing Jay here how right your brain is. Arms wrapped around him, hugging him close.  
[Oh Jesus! Jason is hugging me!]  
Tim cried harder, his whole body shuddering with every sob, snot dripping from his nose that he tries desperately to wipe, his head feels light, he can't help but lean into Jason's touch. Oh how he desperately wants it, he doesn't remember the last time someone held him like this. He feels so happy and disbelieving, because someone fucking loves him! Jason just said he LOVES HIM! It's almost pathetic and sad how with a few words Tim's world is almost ready to right itself. It also made him feel stupid, how he bowled his eyes out and embarrassing his skinny ass to Jason.  
"You'll be okay, Tim. Don't worry, will help you."  
Well, Tim, really, really, wants to try and experience that, cause God knows he can't help himself. He felt so tired now, after crying so much, he feels his eyelids getting heavy, his body relaxing. He doesn’t know if Jason was saying anything. Once more, Tim succumbed to sleep.  
______________________________________________________

For the third time, Tim woke up. He’s still in his hospital room but Jason was also there.  
[I wasn’t a dream!]  
Jason was still there holding his hand , asleep, and Alfred is pouring something from a thermos to a bowl. A jolt of fear rushed though Tim. He is scared of what Alfred has to say, because what if what Jason said wasn’t true. Not that he doesn’t trust Jason but what if it was only Jason who felt that way?  
Alfred turned to him, holding the bowl with a spoon and a cup of water. How Alfred knows he was waking up is a mystery Tim will never solve, maybe it’s just because Alfred is magic. Their eyes met and Alfred’s face lit up, and Tim knows his fear were null. Tim was looking for it now that Jason has told him, the love and affection his Family has for him. He sees it now, in Alfred, and no one can really doubt Alfred’s love in the Family. He was the one constant that Tim knows. He wish his perspective would be the same for the others though  
“I am so glad you’re finally awake, my dear boy.” The butler announce, walking closed and handing Tim his bowl of soup.  
Tim can’t help but smile at his adoptive grandfather.  
“Yeah, I’m glad to Alf.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Suggestions (please be kind) are accepted as well as suggestions on how the next one will go is accepted and highly recommended because I don't know how to handle emotions so I don't know what normal people do to make them OK. Help please.  
> Do note that I may make this lead to a JayTim end.  
> Thank you for reading!!!


End file.
